Wednesday, 9 December 2009

The Yucky Bits by Kate

I always quite liked the idea of being pregnant - swanning around, proudly sporting a neat bump up front and blooming with glowing skin and shining hair. That's the glamorous image of approaching maternity and I've been fairly lucky in managing to pull off all three so far. But there are so many less appealing aspects to the process - and bear in mind, I've actually had it pretty easy so far!
Wind - those hormones sure stir up the digestive gases. Most unladylike.
Leaking orifices - runny or blocked nasal passages, for example. I'll leave the rest to the imagination.
Bleeding gums and nostrils - apparently the maternal hormones are responsible for thinning out your membranes in these areas. Still, they've stopped short of absolute haemorrhage, thankfully.
Spots and rashes in odd places - while the skin on my face is loads better than usual, my thighs seemed to have developed an ongoing acne problem. At least it's easier to conceal from the world at large.
Backache - changing centre of gravity and loosened joints because of the hormone relaxin can be a killer combination. Luckily, I have a husband who is always willing to massage the affected area.
Acid reflux - as the womb expands with the growing foetus, everything else gets compressed, including your stomach. Hence, food reasserting itself in fiery fashion at unexpected moments.
Constant need to pee - see above. Drink half a glass of water and you're running to the loo fifteen minutes later. A short stroll to the shops can be punctuated by any number of urgent toilet dashes. You never squeeze out much more than a trickle, either, it's very unsatisfying.
Clumsiness - changing body size and shape tends to impede co-ordination pretty effectively.
Absent-mindedness - studies have demonstrated the veracity of this one. I can't seem to start a class without rushing back to get the text-book, register or note-book I forgot to pick up.
Tiredness and breathlessness - heaving the extra tum around is pretty knackering.
Fat in unwelcome places - the bump's pretty cool, but why did I have to get an even-bigger-than-before arse to go with it? It's all fat deposits for lactation, apparently. Go, breast-feeding!

All the above thankfully excludes things like constipation, piles, swollen ankles, face-rashes and other delightful side-effects of growing a bairn. So far, anyway.

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